immobilized paralyzed

things arent as well as id like them to be. my transmission went out so that means im negative dollars. with no job, i have to make hundreds just to pay someone to fix it and be broke all over again. why do things have to be so difficult? i just want to GTFO of here. i mean seriously is that too much to ask for? im tangled in this web of misery, yet no one truely knows how bad it is. i keep telling myself i can break free, but can i? ive relied so much on others and lost my self respect that im incapable of anything. oh by the way, i put ads on my ziggyflairs blog. ADS. what would gunty from last year think of gunty now? he'd probably kick my ass! im nothing but a sell out. stupid google adsense. i was dreaming when i thought of the idea. i cant possibly gain a big enough following to support my travels. i just hate myself for procrastinating so long. i cant blame anyone else, its my own fault. i just want to chop my hair off go away for a while. away from humanity in general. I HATE BEING STUCK! GOD DAMN IT SHIT!

bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh shoot myself in the leg.

this is not a cry for attention, thats how the fuck ive been feeling since i stopped moving. now im stuck and i hate this shit. ive been unemployed for a long long time having no one to blame but myself. feeling like im going nowhere has brought me under the weather in a mental rainforest. i promised myself clear skies around the corner hopefully this forecast doesnt go to shit. ive told everybody im leaving again and yet im still fucking here, not any closer to my goal. i keep telling myself im "waiting" for a big network to take me on as their little bitch. like these corporate producers in sunglasses holding briefcases are going to come and stuff my pockets with cash and instantly transform my life in to a happy-land emporium. ugh. i guess sadness and anger are just as much a part of life as happiness and love. ive missed the thrill im most addicted to, is there an intervention for being a drifter? i could always give up on getting married and visiting friends in sweden, give the middle finger to the eastern europe, middle east, and head to alaska. why the fuck not right? why not just head south? as an absolute alternative to suicide, ill simply walk to central amercia. whats the risk? surely what does not kill you only makes you stronger. thats the new plan, either im going or im going. i can only wait so long.