bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh shoot myself in the leg.

this is not a cry for attention, thats how the fuck ive been feeling since i stopped moving. now im stuck and i hate this shit. ive been unemployed for a long long time having no one to blame but myself. feeling like im going nowhere has brought me under the weather in a mental rainforest. i promised myself clear skies around the corner hopefully this forecast doesnt go to shit. ive told everybody im leaving again and yet im still fucking here, not any closer to my goal. i keep telling myself im "waiting" for a big network to take me on as their little bitch. like these corporate producers in sunglasses holding briefcases are going to come and stuff my pockets with cash and instantly transform my life in to a happy-land emporium. ugh. i guess sadness and anger are just as much a part of life as happiness and love. ive missed the thrill im most addicted to, is there an intervention for being a drifter? i could always give up on getting married and visiting friends in sweden, give the middle finger to the eastern europe, middle east, and head to alaska. why the fuck not right? why not just head south? as an absolute alternative to suicide, ill simply walk to central amercia. whats the risk? surely what does not kill you only makes you stronger. thats the new plan, either im going or im going. i can only wait so long.